You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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