we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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