so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm like, not good at living.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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