come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
