Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
