Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Randomize
