How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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