you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
