if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
