I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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