Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
