I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
