I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize