i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
