He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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