Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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