I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
