i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Randomize
