I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
