I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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