I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
how drunk are you?
Several
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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