my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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