Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
