the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
