I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
