There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
