Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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