you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
