So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Randomize
