Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
