New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
cat food counts as protein by the way
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Randomize