he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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