You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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