i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
