Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize