piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize