you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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