i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
