Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
sarcasm needs its own font
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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