Fine. I'll sleep in my office
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
