I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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