You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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