yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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