you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
