her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
