I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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