Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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