puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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