Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
