I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
