And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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