Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
