That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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