She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
