Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
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