I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
only if we run a train.
done.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
