He disabled his match.com account in front of me
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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