oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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