Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize