Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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