Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
