so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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