The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just pee around me
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
