the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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