I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
