I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
