ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
