she kept yelling 'call me bella'
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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